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Just need to get liquored up firstAnd you thought she was staying home because Daddy took her car keys. Britney doesn't need Starbucks anymore! She's doing all her loads by hand these days and inspiration is hard to come by with all those meds. Adnan is long gone, as are all the other hangers-on she used to associate with out of sheer loneliness. What's a girl to do? Simple - take a page out of Mama's play book.

Britney and Kevin have reportedly developed a weekly phone sex ritual that both are enjoying thoroughly. And why not? Britney gets off without getting in trouble with her keepers, and Kevin? He's just a dirty pig and doesn't mind helping the girl out ... as long as it's by phone. He's not about to take it to the next level and jeopardize his opulent lifestyle. If she gets the boys back he'll have little or no income - his alimony was scheduled to be cut last October, right around the time Britney started melting down - so I'm sure he'll convince the courts and Britney to take things slow. Meanwhile, he still has a "bevy of beauties" slipping in and out of his Tarzana house, according to inside sources. He better be careful, though. Britney was said to be looking at houses nearby last week, perhaps so she can get housecalls, too.

No one hurt in the filming of this pictureMaybe that's why he's still with Sarah - he sees a younger version of himself and that turns him on. Or maybe he's just mellowing with age and doesn't give a shit who knows what he's done.

Regardless of his motivation, George recently spoke candidly about one of his first gigs in show business on the Roseanne show. Although he was a virtual unknown at the time (and probably hadn't yet recovered from Mrs. Blair and the girls on Facts of Life), Roseanne immediately responded to his overwhelming manliness and sex appeal.

Said George, "I worked on her first series, and when I met her she said, 'You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink.' "

I will beat her downBarbara Walters, now nearing 80, has released a memoir called Audition. In it she talks honestly about her personal life as well as her professional one, even admitting an affair with a married senator during the 70s. This obviously created a bit of an uproar in said senator's life, but that's nothing compared to her former co-star's reaction to being outed as a liar for denying having had gastric bypass surgery (she lost 160 lbs. in 3 years).

Barbara claims that Star's refusal to admit she had surgery placed an unfair burden on her co-stars. "It meant we virtually had to lie for Star, especially when she said again and again on the air that her weight loss was due primarily to portion control and Pilates." Barbara also criticized Star for promoting companies that gave her wedding gifts on-air.

Well, Star has always hated Barbara for the way she feels she was summarily dismissed from The View and she's not about to take this lying down. Tucking all her extra skin back into her Spanx and told Us Weekly, “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.” Such. A. Bitch.

Smells like the new Gnarls Barkley - music video (premiered May 9th): "Going On" - is gonna be a hit....we like(y)

Profoundly disturbed, possibly diseasedLet's face it. You haven't been a good role model. Refresh my memory: How old was Lindsay when you started carrying her stash for her? 12, 13? Just look at her menacing Nicole's baby daddy! She obviously learned her sense of entitlement from you, the Un-Rockette. Did you teach her how to steal from friends, too?

This morning's NY Post has the story of Lauren Hastings, who says Lindsay stole thousands in clothing out of her closets when she was out of town last year. I remember this story from Buzznet; it didn't make it to the mainstream media until now, in light of Lindsay's new mink coat scandal. Lauren saw a golden opportunity, called her publicist and scored an interview on Inside Edition. She also called the cops when it happened, but they found insufficient evidence to prosecute, even though "(w)itnesses ... told investigators that Lohan handed bags of clothes to bodyguard Jazman Bennett, who hauled the loot away."

Remember, this is the girl who said, "I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the f**k I want." I guess she's living that American dream her mother's always yammering about.