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And I want a pony and a puppy and a Sno Cone machine and ...Why? Because it's the strongest chair in town. Seriously, there really isn't a furious battle over the remaining judge's slot on American Idol; I think the show is just past its prime. And it's just not the same without the wacky chemistry of the original panel. (In other words, it's just not fun to watch anymore now that the Bride of Vicodin has left the building.)

Jennifer Lopez seemed to be a shoo-in for a spot on the show, and should have been grateful given the poor performance of practically everything she touches, except for maybe Skeletor's ... oh, never mind, you dirty Gerties. Instead, Jennifer hit the producers with a laundry list of what she wanted in return for her exalted presence that became so over-the-top ridiculous they just said, "F**k it. Let's call Shania Twain." Why Shania? She did a guest gig as a mentor previously, and the producers are said to have been pursuing her ever since. She certainly fits the requirements: She's got industry experience, both as a recording artist and former wife of legendary producer Mutt Lange. She's a pretty woman, and she's very personable. She also seems like she's much more in touch with reality. I still think Jessica Simpson would be the perfect Idol judge. Damn you, Papa Joe.

Trying too hardEverything, apparently. Poor Jess is just so unlucky in love, if the latest dirt on her new squeeze is to be believed. And let's face it, we're all a bunch of snarky gossips, so we'll believe just about anything if it makes good copy, and Jessica Simpson always makes good copy.

From her adorable, ditsy Newlyweds days to her booty calls with John "Wrong Limo" Mayer to the humiliating desertion by the Romo in an IHOP parking lot, Jessica has taken a licking and kept on ticking. That's only good if you're a watch, though. For a lonely girl who just hit 30 ... not so much. You gotta feel bad for the girl, but you can't help but like her. Even that would be made easier by simply hiring a stylist -- her taste is all in her ass and she makes the most atrocious fashion choices for her lush curves. It's not like she can't afford it; Jess lives quite well on her licensing and endorsement deals.

I swear, can't you find a hobby or something?!?But no, Jess has a Dad-ager, which kinda rhymes with damager, which is a pretty apt description (if grammatically incorrect) of Papa Joe's management technique - or lack thereof. Every time a good opportunity comes along, Papa Joe has to get all greedy and blow the deal. God, what does a girl have to do to get a decent gig? Simple. Get a real manager.

It wasn't always this way. Even though she was a total dimwit on The Newlyweds, she was an adorable dimwit and America loved her. So did all the designers, what with all her lush curves. But that was then. These days, instead of being A-list with her pick of the very latest lines, Jess is working the bingo circuit in the most unflattering mom jeans ever created. Sure, she's put on a few pounds since those days, but who could blame her? Between John Mayer, Tony Romo and a pushy stage parent who couldn't negotiate his way out of a wet paper bag it's no wonder if she's turned to food for solace. It could be worse, people.

Step back or I'll spit up! I'm warning you!Even babies know that orange skin is wrong. I'm sure Katie's babies know it, too, but thankfully the nannies and her ex do most of the parenting so she can go out and make buckets of money. Katie is a virtual unknown here in America, but she's a household name in Britain and has more product lines and licensing deals than Jessica Simpson (and that's saying a lot).

All the money in the world can't buy class or common sense, though. As my grandmother always says, "Breeding shows," and nowhere is that more apparent than in Katie's appearance. She's probably spent more on plastic surgery than most people spend on their houses. She lives large and she lives for the drama. There is no bigger publicity whore on either side of the pond.

You can't fool the babies, though. Especially this little honey, who doesn't even need to be able to talk to express how she feels about the orange weirdo looming over her. God bless the little ones - they don't know enough to lie yet and they really do come up with the damnedest shit.

He's not good enough, but he'll do for nowI just don't get this. I mean, I'm as fond of my hoo-hoo as the next girl, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna tattoo pet names for it on a visible part of my body. That's just crass and stupid. A girl has to have some self-respect, leave a little for the boudoir, if you know what I mean.

Amanda Seyfried is a relative up-and-comer; I have yet to see any of her movies or TV guest shots, but she's been getting a lot of press lately. It could be because she's got a movie currently in release, Letters to Juliet, that sounds about as much fun as root canal with a butter knife. But I digress. I'm sure it's a lovely movie and all, but what's with the minge foot? That's like Jessica Simpson getting "BOOBS" tattooed across her forehead. Is that what you really want to be famous for?