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Y'all don't scare me noneJust a couple points here, although since this Fernando Flores is apparently such a legal luminary he's got it covered, but still. First and foremost, these allegedly new charges are actually old news: California Child Protective Services already investigated and dismissed Fernando's allegations months ago. He's been trying to shake her down since he left her employ and claims he wants to go the distance at trial. With what?

More importantly, everyone knows that Britney has been living under a conservatorship for over a year now. That means she's closely supervised and she's got lots of staff on hand, you know, to help take care of the kids, tidy up, make sure madam is wearing proper undergarments ... this girl probably isn't allowed to so much as piss by herself, yet she was able to parade around naked, feed her kids 'til they puked and then have "loud, vigorous" sex in the same room with the aforementioned kids ... and no one else saw it? Oh, please, brother, give it up and move on already.

Let's see what you look like @ 50, Xtina!Can you believe the nerve? Valerie Bertinelli is practically Hollywood royalty - she lived through One Day At A Time and the trials and tribulations of her co-star, Mackenzie Phillips. She lived through the heyday of the original Van Halen, with all the drunken debauchery and ridiculous rock star excess. She even lived through Jenny Craig and its freeze-dried pseudo-food without getting rickets or some other vitamin deficiency. Christina Aguilera may be a big recording star, and she may have one of the best voices in the business, but she hasn't been around long enough to dis someone with ten times the credentials she has.

Valerie was on the Jonjay & Rich Show recently and told them about the first time she met Christina, backstage at a Van Halen concert. Valerie and a friend walked up and introduced themselves, but instead of being gracious, or at the very least polite, the dirrty girl was a nasty bitch, snipping, "Yeah, OK, bye." Like I said, can you f**king believe it?

Hey, but this is Hollywood; nowhere do the tables turn faster. Valerie has been enjoying a huge resurgence in popularity, while Christina's latest album is going nowhere fast. Even her nemesis, Crazy Britney's latest album and tour were monsters - who's the pop princess now? Oh, I feel so sorry for her husband, Jordan. He's probably the only one she can push around these days, and he looks absolutely miserable.

Don't need no stinkin' golf clubIt's always the assistant, right? According to Star Magazine, Britney's once-agent and now full-time boyfriend has been cheating on her from the very start, carrying on a serious long-term relationship with a former employee. Real class act, screwing around on someone who isn't allowed to leave her house or make phone calls unsupervised.

If you believe Star's inside sources, Jason has been shagging some chick named Jessica Steindorff for three years. While Britney has been struggling to live some semblance of a normal life while being kept prisoner in her own house, this piece of shit has allegedly been sneaking around behind her back. He has ingratiated himself into the family, sucking up to Papa as a model mate for his troubled little cash machine - even drawing a commission until only recently - and all the while he may be no better than Kevin Federline.

Star had a little blurb at the bottom of this story about Jason and Jennifer's "recent STD scare" and how he warned her that "a suspicious Britney may try to contact her", presumably a la Elin Nordegren. We've already seen what Britney can do with a patio umbrella; if Jason gave her the clap she'll probably decapitate him. And rightfully so.

I'm warning you. Leave me ALONE!Poor Britney. She's got no life of her own. She can't even go to the bathroom without Daddy's permission, and he sends someone in with her. She's forced to get by on a measly $1,500 a week while he gets $15,000 a month to keep her hard at work. Hey, she's got a big family to feed: hers, Kevin's and probably hundreds of employees and hangers-on. That doesn't give them the right to keep her a virtual prisoner, though, and word is that Brit's starting to crack under the strain.

That of course won't bother her conservator, who sees nothing but job security in Britney's instability. Think about it: if Britney was suddenly well enough to run her own life, do you think for a second that she'd keep her dad and brother on the payroll? They'd be out faster than Brit can suck down a double latte frappeccino.

Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case. The Enquirer reports that Britney has become prone to screaming fits and tantrums and is pulling her hair (and extensions) out in clumps. YIkes. You know it's bad when she goes for the hair. Daddy knows it, too, and he's made it clear that he'll put her in a psych ward again if she doesn't pipe down. She may have taken him seriously - she missed a court date this week for her conservatorship and the judge was pissed. Doesn't look like she'll be out and about any time soon.

Maybe kinda, in a sorta way. They say the nipples never lie. Think about it.

Maybe the whole bombing in Australia thing has pushed Britney over the edge. Followers were treated to this little gem:

Britney hasn't really eloped with Satan, her Twitter account was hacked. Probably by a Lohan. (Any of them are capable; just pick one.)