Syndicate

Flop slap flop slapAww, man! I thought Paris had toned her shit down, and was keeping her crunk under wraps. But word is out that Paris has been partying like a Blohan (more on that bitch later) since she broke up with her famewhoring loser boyfriend. I guess it was only a matter of time before she got caught with her flaps down.

I still don't get what is UP with Wonky's flappy blappy ass. The rest of her body always looks so toned - we covered her freakish musculature a while back - does she not notice her ass flappin' around back there like a wet sheet on a windy day? Damn, girl. That isn't applause or flash bulbs. That is your ass. Cover that nasty shit up.

Paris is really getting too old for hiking her skirts in public like this. She's gonna end up one of those crazy old billionaire biddies with 80 cats and dead Chihuahuas piled up to the ceiling. We can only hope it doesn't breed. Wonky, that is. Not the pile of dead dogs.

Valtrex and the SkeezeOh, that Wonky. She's the original Mean Girl. She took Britney out on the town with her sloppy cans and shriveled growler hanging out for the world to see and then called her "the animal". She and Lindsay used to be party buddies - until the Blohan chronicles began. Now she'll still party with her when the cameras aren't around, but when the in crowd is around, or better company (read: her dealer) shows up, Paris wastes no time throwing her "friend" to the wolves.

Make no mistake, Lindsay's life is completely out of control, but Paris is a soup sandwich lately, too. She's out in the clubs every night, too, but since she dumped her famewhore boyfriend Doug Reinhardt she's been getting shitfaced regularly. She's just a lot smarter than Lindsay and keeps her debauchery below the radar. Worse yet, she'll go to the same club or party as Lindsay and trash her while she's in the other room getting just as wasted. On a recent night things got so bad that Lindsay ran off into the bathroom and locked herself in. Not to be deterred, Paris camped outside the door and continued her bullying. She and her dealer friend pounded on the door, asking Lindsay if she was OK, telling her to "snort once for yes, twice for no."

Now we gots a brotherWell, not really. That's his name. Nicole and Joel are the proud new parents of a husky little guy named Sparrow James Midnight Madden. The little fella weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz. Impressive!

Nicole and Joel must be awesome parents. Nicole in particular has really turned her life around. It wasn't that long ago that she was Paris Hilton's smartypants little sidekick on The Simple Life. Unlike her former BFF, though, Nicole got her shit together - after getting popped for a DUI. I think Joel's probably the motivation behind her turnaround.

Despite their obvious devotion to each other, they're still not in a hurry to tie the knot. In an interview earlier this year, Joel said, "We're really focused on our family, and we feel like — we already feel kind of married, you know? Our family system that we have down, we feel like this is a real family and marriage, one day it will come." Hey, if Brangelina can do it, so can they.

Who's got bigger feet?Ooh, that camel breath is so hot. There's just something about a big, hairy lip and dopey brown eyes that just turns Paris to jelly. Well, the attention of any male being turns her to jelly, but her furry new friend has got it all over Doug Reinhardt.

Now that the soccer stud has left her well-worn, Valtrex-sodden ass behind, Paris is left to search for her new love. Luckily for her, she ain't too choosy. Mr. Camel came along, and the rest is history.

Stay tuned next week as Paris entertains the entire animal menagerie of Ringling Bros. circus when they come to town.

It burns! It burns!Heh. Heh. Paris better hold off on moving to Madrid. This boy is having the time of his life. He's not about to settle down with one girl - at this rate he may never. If she's putting all her eggs in his basket she will have no omelet. She'd have better odds going after Stavros again.

Cristiano Ronaldo continues his whirlwind f**k-athon this week with a number of beautiful women, basically any that cross his path and respond to his "trademark wink". He doesn't even have to leave his hotel - he heads down to the bar and starts winking and grinding, and whatever sticks gets to come back upstairs with him. Even more amazingly, somehow The Sun was there. They've got names, ages, and blow-by-blow commentary.

Apparently the soccer stud was already making out with one girl when they arrived at the bar, but that didn't stop him from getting sexy lap dances from two other girls who walked in and fell prey to his "sexy, knowing wink". The girls apparently left after the little show and he went back to making out with the other girl at the bar. Good times. He better live it up while he can. If he's shagging Paris it's only a matter of weeks before the first cold sores appear. Then he'll be back to circle-jerking again.