Syndicate

Trying too hardEverything, apparently. Poor Jess is just so unlucky in love, if the latest dirt on her new squeeze is to be believed. And let's face it, we're all a bunch of snarky gossips, so we'll believe just about anything if it makes good copy, and Jessica Simpson always makes good copy.

From her adorable, ditsy Newlyweds days to her booty calls with John "Wrong Limo" Mayer to the humiliating desertion by the Romo in an IHOP parking lot, Jessica has taken a licking and kept on ticking. That's only good if you're a watch, though. For a lonely girl who just hit 30 ... not so much. You gotta feel bad for the girl, but you can't help but like her. Even that would be made easier by simply hiring a stylist -- her taste is all in her ass and she makes the most atrocious fashion choices for her lush curves. It's not like she can't afford it; Jess lives quite well on her licensing and endorsement deals.

I swear, can't you find a hobby or something?!?But no, Jess has a Dad-ager, which kinda rhymes with damager, which is a pretty apt description (if grammatically incorrect) of Papa Joe's management technique - or lack thereof. Every time a good opportunity comes along, Papa Joe has to get all greedy and blow the deal. God, what does a girl have to do to get a decent gig? Simple. Get a real manager.

It wasn't always this way. Even though she was a total dimwit on The Newlyweds, she was an adorable dimwit and America loved her. So did all the designers, what with all her lush curves. But that was then. These days, instead of being A-list with her pick of the very latest lines, Jess is working the bingo circuit in the most unflattering mom jeans ever created. Sure, she's put on a few pounds since those days, but who could blame her? Between John Mayer, Tony Romo and a pushy stage parent who couldn't negotiate his way out of a wet paper bag it's no wonder if she's turned to food for solace. It could be worse, people.

It burns! It burns!And not only is it tiny, but it won't let him taste the brown sugar. What a sorry-ass misogynist tool.

John Mayer had a recent interview in Playboy where he talked about some of his exes and a few of his complexes. Nothing is sacred with this douchebag. Nothing. Of Jessica Simpson, he said the sex was like a drug or "sexual napalm". Is that supposed to be flattering? Conversely, I guess the sex with Jennifer Aniston must have sucked, because he had nothing but nice things to say about her kindness and sweetness but nothing at all to say about her slamming body or manly hands (reminded him of Butter Boy).

Worse than all of that, though, were John's remarks about Black women. When asked if they throw themselves at the little f**ktard, he admitted that a tiny part of him stood in the way. "I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick." What a douche. I still have absolutely no idea what women see in this asshole. Just when I think he couldn't get any douchier he knocks one out of the park. Mayer has since apologized for his racist remark, but he doesn't care - he got the publicity he wanted, and that's all that counts.

Come over for coffee! Please?It's like spinster feng shui. What was originally planned as his-and-hers bathrooms are now hers and a spa and soaking tub room. After slumming around with man whores like John Mayer and Gerard Butler, I bet that ol' soakin' tub comes in handy.

The great American spinster unveiled her remodeled home to Architectural Digest, probably because she knows Brad reads it all the time. In the article she says her house is like a "big hug - a Zen-like hug that's free of the scent of manliness", but this story, her house and everything else in her life just screams lonely, lonely, lonely to me.

Maybe she's hoping to change all that by opening her home for this feature. Courtney and David are really tired of being her only friends, and with a possible baby on the way they need some time to themselves. Don't worry about Jen, though. As long as she's got a movie to promote she'll have a man on her arm, and she's got Norman to tuck her in at night. Aww, who are we kidding? You know what that soaking tub is really for - she's given up burning baby dolls on the beach. Too smelly, too public. Now she drowns them in the tub. One. At. A. Time.

I'm sorry, Daddy
That dog must be crazy. I would never run away if I got to curl up at Jesse's feet. Sandra is one lucky girl - her hubby is hot, hot, hot!

He's also sad, sad, sad, because his sweet puppy, Cinnabun, went missing earlier this week. Cinnabun is a 9-month old bull terrier-looking dog who disappeared from Jesse's place in Long Beach. After public pleas for help didn't pan out, he called in the pros: FindToto.com, the folks who helped Jessica Simpson try to find Daisy last year when she was snatched by (John Mayer dressed as) a coyote.

Unfortunately Daisy was never found, but maybe they'll have better luck with Cinnabun. According to TMZ there have been a couple of sightings, so maybe they'll get their baby back. As the owner of a pup myself, I can sympathize. I would be out of my mind if my Bowser went missing. Since Cinnabun looks bigger than a coyote I hope she's just out knocking over garbage cans and shredding kittens.