Syndicate

Trying too hardEverything, apparently. Poor Jess is just so unlucky in love, if the latest dirt on her new squeeze is to be believed. And let's face it, we're all a bunch of snarky gossips, so we'll believe just about anything if it makes good copy, and Jessica Simpson always makes good copy.

From her adorable, ditsy Newlyweds days to her booty calls with John "Wrong Limo" Mayer to the humiliating desertion by the Romo in an IHOP parking lot, Jessica has taken a licking and kept on ticking. That's only good if you're a watch, though. For a lonely girl who just hit 30 ... not so much. You gotta feel bad for the girl, but you can't help but like her. Even that would be made easier by simply hiring a stylist -- her taste is all in her ass and she makes the most atrocious fashion choices for her lush curves. It's not like she can't afford it; Jess lives quite well on her licensing and endorsement deals.

I'll fix your wagon, little missyAw, poor Martha. She ain't the youngest hen in the coop, but she's not so bad to look at. Then again, I'm a happily heterosexual female. And it's not her looks that are probably scaring off the guys; it's her strong, assertive personality. It's just the kind of thing to make a dick droop, every time.

Poor Martha can't seem to pick her friends, either. A new book coming out this week from Martha's former best friend, Mariana Pasternak, allegedly reveals the domestic doyenne's decades-long unlucky in love streak. Mariana was Martha's friend for 20 years, but she testified against her in the obstruction of justice case that sent Martha to the big house. If that wasn't bad enough, now she humiliates her by selling her deepest, darkest secrets to the highest bidder. According to the traitor bitch, Martha hooked up with some investment banker dude in the Hamptons and became obsessed with him, stalking him, harassing him and finally showing up at his door ... where she was confronted by the banker dude's girlfriend, who finally sent her packing.

I'll wait for you ... in the closetNobody sets off my gaydar like Ryan Seacrest. He could go out with a different, pathetic fame-hungry girl every night of the week, and I'm sure he does. That doesn't mean diddly; Ryan Seacrest is just another guy who wouldn't leave home without his beard. He's not fooling anyone and should just get a good shave already.

But I digress. Can you believe that Seacrest actually had a stalker? Unfortunately for the unlucky in love little mogul, his stalker was the stabbing kind, and had been arrested for coming at the littlest Idol with a knife. The crazy dude plead guilty to felony stalking today and will likely be sentenced to two years in jail and be ordered to stay away from Ryan for ten years. See? It pays to be rich and famous. Go to any battered women's shelter and see if they got a deal that sweet.

Redrum redrum redrumPoor Paula. She just can't get it right. I guess after being married to a stallion like Emilio Estevez the others just pale in comparison.

But there was one stand-out. It wasn't the clothes that he wore, or the car that he drove. It was those berzerker eyes: big, bright blue, and staring like they can just bore right into your brain like a laser beam. Well, maybe they're not that bad, but they're still somewhat alarming. His mouth may be smiling (kind of), but his eyes are chucking you into the wood chipper. Brrr.

Apparently JT is as creepy as he looks. After dating for less than a year, Paula decided to break things off in March. JT, however, doesn't seem to get it, and has been pummeling Paula with repeated calls, text messages and is even showing up at her door, unannounced and uninvited. Paula even said he tried to kick the door in. He's also tailing her around town and shows up wherever she goes. That's scary. I hope she sticks to her guns and keeps him at a distance. She might be nuttier than granola, but this guy sounds like he could be dangerous.

Enjoy it while it lastsWhat, did she think because she's got a brain that she wouldn't get dumped, too? He dumps them all, Jen, and he'll drop you, too. He can't help it; he just gets bored. It's just that they're throwing more kitty at him than he'd ever humanly be able to use, but that doesn't mean he should stop trying. He swears to leave no ho unturned. I swear he's a douche and a pig.

The unlucky in love Jennifer doesn't see things quite the same way, and is like a giddy schoolgirl. Sources are even saying that Jen is now backdating the relationship, saying they've been secretly seeing each other for three months already, and she's only going public now because she realizes it's not just a fling. It's never just a fling when he's got a magical thing.

But can she hang on to him? She scored big when she married Brad Pitt, considered the eligible bachelor in Hollywood at the time, only to lose him to a more lush and fertile co-star. Since then she's dated scores of delectable hunks (and one chubby drunk), but they always seem to move on. Will she be able to break her streak and settle down again? Probably not, but she'll be able to entertain her girlfriends for years with the play-by-plays.