Syndicate

They could play dress upOK, OK, maybe that was a little strong, but remember what she did for her buddy, Britney? The Wonkster took her out, got her trashed, and taught her how to expose herself for attention. Now Britney's living under virtual lock and key, and where's Paris now? Well, friendless, for the most part, unless you count losers like Brandon Davis or the F-list hangers-on she now has to mingle with.

But Paris longs for the days when she was a tabloid darling. She wants to find a way back to her glory days; what better way than at the expense of another, someone who's a bigger loser than she is? Just think of all the free leggings and spray tan she could get! Wonky loves swag. And like Dr. Drew, she loves drama. "Paris is worried that Lindsay has hit rock bottom and doesn't want something terrible to happen to her," a source revealed. Whew. At least she didn't say she was worried Lindsay was about to lose a limb or something.

Of course this would be a disaster for Lindsay. Don't forget it was Paris who started the whole "firecrotch" thing. And she is no saint - for every night the tabloids follow Lindsay around from club to club, Paris is out there, too, except nobody's watching her. She's free to indulge in whatever she wants, and trust, she does. She's just a lot better at keeping it under the radar. All the same, she's probably not the best mentor for the little crackhead that could.

Valtrex and the SkeezeOh, that Wonky. She's the original Mean Girl. She took Britney out on the town with her sloppy cans and shriveled growler hanging out for the world to see and then called her "the animal". She and Lindsay used to be party buddies - until the Blohan chronicles began. Now she'll still party with her when the cameras aren't around, but when the in crowd is around, or better company (read: her dealer) shows up, Paris wastes no time throwing her "friend" to the wolves.

Make no mistake, Lindsay's life is completely out of control, but Paris is a soup sandwich lately, too. She's out in the clubs every night, too, but since she dumped her famewhore boyfriend Doug Reinhardt she's been getting shitfaced regularly. She's just a lot smarter than Lindsay and keeps her debauchery below the radar. Worse yet, she'll go to the same club or party as Lindsay and trash her while she's in the other room getting just as wasted. On a recent night things got so bad that Lindsay ran off into the bathroom and locked herself in. Not to be deterred, Paris camped outside the door and continued her bullying. She and her dealer friend pounded on the door, asking Lindsay if she was OK, telling her to "snort once for yes, twice for no."

GlambertLet me get this straight. They canceled the Glambert's appearance because they were afraid he'd grab another dick but they let this violent convicted felon go on? That's f**ked up, people.

Today's Page Six leads off with the story of Good Morning America's decision to book the punk bitch who beat his girlfriend for an interview and possible live performance. This has enraged both the gays and feminists who see a double standard at work here. Glambert didn't break any laws - he just got a little frisky. Inside sources at ABC claim their decisions had nothing to do with Lambert's in-your-face homosexuality, but that he had proven himself "unpredictable" for live TV.

At first I ignored the whole brouhaha over Lambert's AMA performance. After all, what difference is there between that and Madonna kissing Britney at the VMAs, or any other gay kiss that's been on TV lately? But to hear they'd book Beat-Her-Down Brown over someone who hasn't done anything wrong? I'll never watch that show again.

Something's up in Camp Britney. She's totally given up the bra. Those things are flippin' and floppin' all over her torso - it's a miracle she hasn't had a slip yet. But it's more than just her unrestrained boobies - it's the hair.

Take a close look at the back of her head. It's all broken-off extensions. It looks like her weave hasn't been done for weeks. With all the people on her payroll, could no one make sure the back of this woman's head was covered before she went outdoors?

Like I said, something's going on at Britney's house. Papa would never let this go on unchecked - he'd have her coiffed and securely underwired in seconds. Did he take a vacation? Is he not checking in? Someone better wake up over there before Sam and Adnan realize something's up and storm the gates.

Tidy whiteyI realize this was just for a photo shoot, and so they made her take a shower and brush her hair and all, but damn. This is the first time I've ever seen Britney in a bikini that actually fits her - they're usually at least three sizes too small - and she's never looked better.

Could it be that her new love with former agent Jason Trawick is giving Britney the confidence she needs to feel good about herself? Is all Papa Spears's nagging about appropriate dress finally paying off? Probably not. She's being paid to wear this ensemble - and she doesn't look totally psyched about it. Which is really too bad, considering her usual choices. It really would be nice to see Britney upgrade her wardrobe to house-with-foundation from trailer-on-cinder-blocks sometime before she's 30.

Sooner or later she's gotta realize there's no more dressing slutty to get back at Papa. She'll never get him out of her life this way. Worse yet, he's training her brother to take over for him as conservator when he gets too old. She may never bust out of that gilded cage.